Academic Task 1
Article 1-作者： bettyblue1986

Ideas should be split into several paragraphs rather than a single block paragraph. Remember that the appearance of an article makes a powerful first impression on your reader. The writing should be separated by paragraphs with similar information grouped together. Notice the changes I made in this regard.

Keep tenses consistent. As changes in the graph occur in the past, you could choose to comment on them in the simple past, or in a more general sense, the simple present. Choose one and stay with it, but don’t bounce around between them. As you can see by the changes, I’ve chosen the simple past tense.

Article 2-作者：monica32

Beware of stacking too many ideas into only a few sentences. The short 150 word minimum doesn’t allow for a great deal of information to be elicited. There are several sections in that bulky second paragraph, and the final paragraph, which cause confusion due to what seems like too many dizzying numbers and changes crammed into too small a space. It is a bit like a roller coaster of ups and downs, and the reader has no time to pause and reflect on what we’re reading. Focus instead on more comparisons and fewer details. Give your reader a chance to breathe and reflect by lessening the barrage of fluctuations, and comment more deeply on the most relevant details.

Article 3-作者：wewilrrock

At 144 words, the article is only slightly under the 150 word minimum demanded by the prompt. Though 6 words might not seem like much, failure to reach the minimum word count on an actual exam would prove very costly no matter how strong the writing is. As one might guess, there is a strong connection in meeting the word count and producing a well-developed description. The writing here, while strong in many areas, lacks sufficient development, as we are offered a rather bland and straightforward analysis of changes, while little in the way of comparisons or insight is offered. At all costs, reach that minimum word count! And while you’re at it, expand descriptions and comparisons beyond the bland “this percentage increased,” and “this percentage decreased”! A look back at some previous writings on this website will provide some helpful examples on how to improve this.

Academic Task 2
Article 4-作者：jjlxt123

As I always tell my writing students, don’t burden your reader with too many needless words and phrases. A look at my cancellations in this essay bear witness to this philosophy; everything marked out with a red line detracts from the essay, rather than adds too it-it slows down the pace and disrupts the fluidity. Why say “more and more”, when it means nothing more than saying “more”? Why say “less and less” when it actually says less than saying “less”? A minute or so contemplation of the previous two sentences might bring to light a revelation in writing: Say more with less.

Otherwise, the essay is pretty well argued with some nice, logical examples. If the writer could internalize my message above, it would be a great improvement and he’d be on a pretty good path to some excellent writing.

Article 5-作者：Justincheng

The prompt asks for a minimum of 250 words and the writer here has produced 231. Many people may say, “19 words, no big deal!” But as I’ve mentioned before, failure to meet the minimum word count would affect the score on an actual exam. Further, the link between short articles and a lack of development is clear. Other areas (not just the lack of a well developed argument) are affected by not meeting the word count, in that the writer has fewer opportunities to show off his command of written English and whatever other skills he has in his arsenal. Don’t shortchange yourself by shortchanging the essay.

This lack of development is displayed throughout the essay. The writer uses many cursory and unclear examples of analogies to culture and technology, including the comparison of “men and women” to culture and technology. The Olympic Games and opera are mentioned, but it’s unclear exactly why these have been included, what they mean, or what the connection is because it is hastily declared, but not explained. Choose fewer ideas and explain them, and simplify the writing for more clarity.

Article 6-作者：bibi1003

“With the _____ of ______”. I’ve mentioned this phrase before and how overused it is. Chinese speakers of English are using it in their speaking and writing at an alarming rate. And in many cases, such as the first line of this essay, they’re using it wrong. Please, everyone reading this comment, stop using “With the development of…” or other similar “With the _____ of ______” structures! Don’t force another native speaker to endure this cliché over again!

Avoid blanket generalizations like, “Everyone has a cell phone,” and “there is a computer in every home.” It just isn’t true. Most people have cell phones and there might be computers in most homes, but even that last statement is tenuous. Words can have a powerful and subtle meaning. Use them truthfully and accurately.

General Task 1
Article 7-作者：ParisPanO1

As is typical with the letter writing portion of this particular task, the writer is having some tense problems (please refer to previous sessions’ comments and articles for more examples of this). As the problem with the heater first occurred in the past, and is still a relevant problem now, the present perfect tense (have/had + past participle) is best used. The writer here mistakenly uses the simple past when the present perfect is the accurate choice.

“plays an important role.” Here’s a phrase far overused by Chinese speakers of English. As I mentioned in Article 6, referring to the overuse of “With the _____ of _______...” we’re seeing this phrase used too much. It’s often used inappropriately and when it is used correctly, it still sounds stale and cliché because almost EVERYONE uses it. In this case, the writer has even managed to say that “the heating system plays an important role on such a cold day,” which to native ears, sounds just plain weird. Eradicate this phrase from your vocabulary completely!

Article 8-作者：zy02194

The writer has doubled the greeting and the farewell. There’s no need to say “Dear Agent” and “Hello” because the both serve the same function. Likewise, its unnecessary to say “Kind Regards” and “Yours” for the same reason.

The writer could have done better in expanding the self-introduction portion of the letter. You are Grace Wu, a customer, but what else? You might mention what apartment you’re renting, where it is, or how the agency might remember you, for example. Is that all you’d say in terms of an introduction if this were a real letter you had to send in China? Think of the General Training Task 1 letter portion of the IELTS exam in such a way: treat it as if it were a real situation, as that might help you remember to include pertinent information.

General Task 2
Article 9-作者：5kjim

As the prompt requires the twin arguments of smoking in the office and in public places, the writer would do well to address both of these items in the introduction. The present introduction only mentions public smoking. The same goes for the conclusion where public smoking is clearly stated, but it’s unclear whether this also applies to office smoking.

Part of the reason for the problem with the introduction and conclusion is due to the fact that smoking in the office/workplace is only given a cursory defense and is not adequately addressed. Notice how the beef of the essay tackles public smoking, but only in the last sentence of the second paragraph, and the final sentence of the third paragraph is smoking in the workplace/office directly mentioned. In the end, it amounts to only two clear sentences on the office smoking issue, when theoretically it should be given equal weight to that of public smoking. It’s as if the writer said, “Oh, I forgot to add the part about office/workplace smoking. I’ll just add a few sentences on here.” Read the prompts carefully, address them fully, and lend equal weight to multiple tasks if required.

Article 10-作者：yunboli

The prompt asks for a minimum of 250 words and the writer here has produced 237. Many people may say, “13fewer words than required; no big deal!” But as I’ve mentioned before, failure to meet the minimum word count would affect the score on an actual exam. Further, the link between short articles and a lack of development is clear. Other areas (not just the lack of a well developed argument) are affected by not meeting the word count, in that the writer has fewer opportunities to display his command of written English and whatever other skills he has in his arsenal. Don’t shortchange yourself by shortchanging the essay.

Simply beginning an essay with “I totally agree with this idea,” isn’t sufficient. What idea? Imagine the essay were for a reader who didn’t read the prompt. How would they know what the essay is about? A proper introduction will introduce the problem, present a thesis, and give the direct position of the writer. What is presented here is simply too informal and lackadaisical.

The rest of the essay continues this rather blasé approach which generally is frowned upon in the academic sphere. The hyperbolic analogies of murder and suicide and the overall tone of the essay might make for some good, fun reading on a blog or in an internet chat room, but more formality and seriousness in addressing the issue is advised when writing for an exam. Know your audience.