Academic Task 1
Article 1-作者： tkd05

The separation of ideas is clear and well divided. But look at the very brief length of those paragraphs. Writers should be concerned about the full development of each idea (paragraph). Thin paragraphs of one or two sentences are an indication of insufficient development. Keep what you have, but give more detail about each idea. I would consider combining the second and third paragraph and expanding it slightly.

Article 2-作者：tairongho

Watch out for careless mistakes. This article misspells several basic words, like “mode”, which is actually one of the words contained in the rubric. This makes an immediate negative impression on the reader. Failing to capitalize the first word on several sentences, misspellings, incorrect word choice on some very basic words and faulty spacing, for example, are major distractions. Write with care, proofread and do your best to eliminate such unnecessary errors.

Article 3-作者：pelerns

Keep tenses consistent. The writer is shifting between the simple past and the present tense. It may not seem like a major problem, but it jolts the reader if the tenses are moving back-and-forth. The introductory paragraph uses the present tense, and that’s fine. It is when dealing with the description of changes that the tense shifting becomes unsettling. In this area, choose a tense and stay with it. As my corrections show, I have chosen to keep you in the past tense as that’s how your detailed description of the changes (starting at paragraph two) begins. Also, the information in the graph deals with past figures, so the past simple is an appropriate choice.?

Academic Task 2
Article 4-作者：adskfj

Notice how I divided that last long paragraph into three shorter ones. Each paragraph should have only one central idea, fully developed. When you have a new idea, make a new paragraph.

Fist you said tradition and technology can work together; then you said it’s going to be lost. Then you say tradition will be saved by technology! You need to know where you stand and back that point up throughout the essay. Otherwise your reader might think you have bi-polar disorder.

Article 5-作者：quickfire1

I like how the twin ideas of cell phones and architecture are used as guiding points for the argument. The argument would have been even stronger if the writer could have tied those two ideas in even closer to the prompt. Since the writer has been quite specific, another paragraph stating their relationship to tradition and technology in general would have definitely strengthened that connection.

Read that third paragraph. Is it clear what the writer is saying in those last two sentences? Be clear, even if it means sacrificing more complex language in favour of a simpler kind which will at least get the point across.

“play an important role”. If I had 10 RMB for every time I’ve read or heard this phrase in China, I’d be a millionaire. Native speakers use it occasionally; Chinese speakers of English use it WAY too often! Say something, anything, instead of this.

Article 6-作者：acmilaner

Avoid repetitive, one-line conclusions that add nothing to the essay. Strong conclusions are well-developed and might include, but are not limited to the following approaches:

• A return to your original thesis or introduction, presenting it in a conclusive, but fresh way
• Suggestions or consequences related to the prompt
• A thoughtful question
• A brief summary of the main points using parallel concepts

Avoid repetitive, wordy phrasing that detracts from the main ideas. The essay is heavy on fat, and weak on ideas. Say more with less. Examples of this repetitive language are crossed out on my corrections.

“with the development of…” If I had 10 RMB for every time I’ve read or heard this phrase in China, I’d be a millionaire. Native speakers use it occasionally; Chinese speakers of English use it WAY too often! Say something, anything, instead of this. Somewhere, someone told Chinese speakers of English that this is a good phrase, but it’s not! It’s gotten way out of control. Be original; use something unique!

General Task 1
Article 7-作者：focusau

I want everyone to look at the spacing and visual look of this letter. Ideas are well-divided and it has the proper look and length for the General Task 1. Well-done!

On a stylistic level, either combine sentences that begin with “and” with the previous sentence or eliminate it altogether. It’s not grammatically wrong, but in higher level writing we’re looking closer at elements of style and command of the intricacies of the language.

“To be frank”. Again, a stylistic issue and a phrase not used very often by native speakers, yet far overused and-perhaps unfairly-viewed by people in my position as lacking originality.

A heavy reliance on “which”, and by connection, relative clauses. Watch out for that.

Article 8-作者：cathyqi

The letter falls short of the necessary word count for the General Task 1. If this were done on an examination, the writer would surely have a reduced score. Meeting the minimum word count is essential to success.

By virtue of being under length the writer has failed to develop the letter sufficiently. I would have said a bit more about the problems caused by the broken heater, as that seems to be the least developed of all the bullet points provided in the prompt. Another few sentences on that (in a separate paragraph) would have been a marked improvement.

General Task 2
Article 9-作者：lanchong820316

The essay falls short of the necessary word count for the General Task 2. If this were done on an examination, the writer would surely suffer a loss critical to the overall score. Meeting the minimum word count, no matter how great the essay is, proves costly.

The prompt addresses a ban on smoking in business offices and in public places. This writer’s introduction indicates that he will focus on smoking indoors, and the rest of the essay only addresses how smoking affects non-smokers, and then the rights of smokers is discussed. The prompt is not sufficiently answered. Study the prompts carefully and focus more precisely on exactly what its asking of you. Write fully developed introductions that have a thesis (main idea) that is directly related to the prompt.

Article 10-作者：cucums

The writer does a good job of directly answering the prompt in the introduction and following it up in the body of the essay; ideas are well focused. You’d be surprised at how many writers fail to answer the prompt correctly or go off on tangents.

Don’t just invent statistics. Clearly, the arguments that 80% of smokers get lung disease and the suggestion that “passive smokers” get ill at a higher rate than smokers are blatantly false. To demonstrate the hyperbole, if this were true, then more than 80% on non-smokers would have a smoking related illness, which is just plain ridiculous. It doesn’t take much for a reader to catch on to such claims and begin to seriously question the writer’s intentions. If you don’t have any accurate statistics, you’ll have to do without their benefit in supporting your argument. Don’t just make them up!